Out of Self

It's not easy, this surrendering. It's not something that can be done once. No, it is a daily commitment to take up my cross and follow in the steps of the One Who, "though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered."

I've gone through many stages on my journey of sanctification. While I'd like to say I've finally learned the lesson of surrender, I know it will be a lifetime process. This summer, however, was a time of re-committing, of making a conscious choice to once again... well, let me just tell you the story.

Life can take some tough twists and turns. This spring's hairpin left me battered. Every day I wrestled with my heart and mind, trying to understand, trying to accept. Some days just trying to survive.

A day came for healing, finally. I took a long, solitary walk on the shore of Lake Superior, alone with my Lord. I sat on the sand, just basking in His presence and the beauty of His creation. And after just being in His presence for a time, I began to pour out my heart to Him.

I asked Him why I had to suffer, why things always seemed to fall apart, why life is so unfair. Above all I asked why I couldn't make my own decisions and live my life the way I wanted to.

"Lord, it's my life," I said. "Why can't I live it?"

"Child," He said gently, so clearly it was nearly audible, "it's not your life. Don't you remember? You gave it to Me a long, long time ago. You said it was Mine, not yours."

I sat in stunned silence as I realized the depth of that truth.

"Yes, Lord," I replied. "It's Your life, not mine. Do with it what You want. Only be glorified."

Since that day, that has remained my prayer. I have no idea what He will do with my life, but I know Him to be worthy of my trust.